When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
