dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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