I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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