see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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