hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
