Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
