Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
