Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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