turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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