i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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