the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
