i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He shit in the fireplace
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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