I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
