I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
