I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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