On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
