Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
