I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
