She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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