Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
