party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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