I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize