walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My ass is underappreciated
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
false alarm, still single
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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