I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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