Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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