I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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