I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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