Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You made out with two different species that night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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