If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
