I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize