you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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