I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
