The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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