At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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