so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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