Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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