i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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