were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
