I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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