I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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