god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
