The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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