Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
