So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
