Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
