i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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