Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
