i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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