my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
