And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
