The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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