I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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