i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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